Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is our best holiday. There are no religious biases or commercial expectations. It is just a nice holiday for us. We have a lovely routine that we have kept for a number of years. First we get up and have a special breakfast then we watch the parades and cook dinner. We eat around 2pm or so then take in a movie, coming back in time for a dinner of left over turkey sandwiches with cream cheese and cranberries, a bit more dessert and then we waddle off to bed.

This year we have so much to be thankful for. The news from the X-ray puts us in a very hopeful mood. Last week we went to the treatment center. She had her blood drawn and then the exam before treatment began. Her doctor was back and he is in my mind, a genius. You would have to be a fool not to notice but many are fools and complain bitterly about him. He comes in with a swift flourish and looks scattered. He is usually carrying charts from his last patient and asks about his current patient while finishing his last patient. It can give the impression that he is not focused on you but that is not the case. He is thinking ahead and it evidences itself as he speaks with you.

"Let's look at your chart. You had the x-ray. How did that go?"

They said that there were no lesions just wear and it was probably arthritic pain. I don't know?"

"There it is. It looks fine to me. If it was cancerous you would have had all sorts of scarring and a mass on the bone. So, your blood count looks good. How is your attitude? It has to stay sharp and positive how is it?"

"Fine."

"Aw come on honey you have to do better than that to beat this thing. Let's see, did we give you the medication for your bone last week? Gotta keep them strong. Yes, there is is. Now let's look at you."

He begins the physical examination and pokes and probes asking her to breath n and out. At the same time he starts on some of his novel ideas.

"Did you get rid of your deodorant? It's bad for you. All you are doing is wiping chemicals on your under arm which is designed specifically to perspire. We did not start doing that until mid 20th century and breast cancer boomed among young women almost immediately following. Also are you still eating meat? Don't eat mammals, chickens and fish, lots of fish and take fish oil too. Are you still getting acupuncture? That's good but not too much of it. It will support your immune system but we don't want it to completely counteract the effects of the chemo. Now lay back."

How can it completely counteract the effects of chemo? Think about it. When people put this into you, they wear protective coverings. They don't want it to drip on them or the machinery. Now the doctor has given a quick review of his philosophy. Become more natural in your clothing and what you wear, don't pollute your system with foreign chemicals and be careful what you eat. Very sensible stuff yet we need to be told that? We have come a long way from that and paid the price.

"OK let's look at this lump. Can you find it?"

"Yes, its still there."

"Yes but it is a lot smaller than when we started. It was 6cm and now its maybe 1cm to 1.5 cm. that's pretty dramatic. How long have we been seeing you? That's right since August no?"

The exam is over and he begins another philosophical outburst.

"After we beat this thing we need to work on your weight and diet. You need to be careful what you put in your body. My wife and I have almost completely eliminated sugars and meat form cows and pigs. We also are pretty careful about the chicken and fish. Don't buy fish from polluted waters and go for the ones that have deeper colors. Cold water fish are best. Also watch the chickens as they pump the feed full of chemicals and antibiotics. Same with farm raised salmon and other fish. Go for wild caught. Are you eating enough grains? Remember 30 minutes of exercise daily." He pushes out the door and calls for the nurse. We follow as we want to ask questions about the treatment plan.

It is too late as he is off on another visit. We manage to get a few moments of his time and he tells us when we are done in February we start hormone therapy. Off we go for treatment.

So Thanksgiving is here and I am thankful, deeply thankful. I try to help Cindy but she wants to prepare things herself. So, I wash dishes and chop onions and help as much as she will allow. Fatigue sets in and her weariness shows. Her patience lags and before long she snaps at Molly and Lilli. Molly just shrugs and goes off to find the TV. Lilli stands and fights.

"Why are you yelling at me? I didn't do anything. You never listen to me and you are always criticizing me."

Cindy responds. I step in and move Lilli off. Cindy sits in the chair to collect herself and get a breath. I take Lilli into the next room. I try to be comforting and supportive but it is hard.

Finally dinner is ready and we eat our fill and set off to find a good movie. It is hard but I am thankful. Nothing like a good movie on a chilly day.

Prayer Warriors November

Some people think it is cultish, others think it hopeful and trusting. I think it is one more weapon in the arsenal and it gives me some sense of peace. I do not know if there is anything to substantiate or contradict that people for whom there are prayers respond better to treatment or not. In fact my recently departed cousin had many prayers yet succumbed to cancer quickly. I only know that it is a promise that I hold on to.

I submitted my wife's name to several groups for intercessory prayer. One group was a Catholic monastery and one a group of nuns. My son calls them a coven as in witches. I also sent her name and a prayer request to a group of "prayer warriors". These people pray for others as part of their routine and make special group prayers for people. Her name filtered back to a group that resides in my old hometown and soon I was getting emails from people I had not heard from in 30 years. I was stunned.

Another group is from way out west in Wyoming. If anyone needs prayers it is people who suffer through a Wyoming winter. This group promised to pray for my wife. Now most prayers are generally soft spoken things where people ask for something and use softer language and phrases like "love" and "His will" , as if death and suffering were all part of god's will. Not this group.

I received several prayers from people who took control and demanded and backed it with the hard language of someone in battle. No quarter was given or expected. They made perfectly clear what they wanted, why they wanted it and when they wanted it. I was stunned. I had never heard of such things. These were little old ladies and they sounded like warriors, prayer warriors. In fact, I am reprinting one prayer I received which I still find remarkable.

I am standing in agreement with you John that your wife will be delivered from all cancer in her body. It does not belong to her. It is an intruder in her body and must be evicted, in Jesus name. I stand in agreement believing that God will lift her spirit and let her see His love for her and His mighty plan for her life. I pray that all pain will leave and the cancer will die at the roots and be detached from it's source and I cancel the agenda of the enemy against your wife and your family. I ask Father, that the blood of Jesus will bathe her and take every vestige of cancer from her body. I ask that you, Holy Spirit, will speak to her heart and reveal the great love that the Father has for her. I ask that you will show her that Jesus died so that she could, not only be saved, but also be healed. Your word says in I Peter 2:24 that by His stripes we were healed, so healing belongs to her, in Jesus name. I thank you, Abba, for the opportunity to see the enemy pushed back by your presence. We call upon you to apply your mercy and grace to this family and bring healing, peace and joy in the place of sickness and pain. And we thank you that you are doing just that. I also ask, Father, that you keep your hand on these children as their Mama comes through this. Give them your peace and give John your peace that passes all understanding and to you be all the glory as you fulfill you purpose in their lives.

I will pray for you and your family every day. And I will share this need with our prayer group here. We will pray tonight, corporately, for you and your family and I believe that there will be several who will commit to pray daily until we see the manifestation come forth. My brother, you and your wife and children, are not alone.

In His love,
Sis. Jeanne

My goodness Sister Jeanne, I am still in stunned admiration of your strength and faith. I would like to have only a small portion of it, more than that would be impossible to handle.

X-ray Results November

It is one week before Thanksgiving. It is already cold and the sky looks like snow is coming. The days are noticeably shorter and the nights longer. In short it is another gloomy November day in upstate New York. My bet is that winter will arrive soon.

We are preparing for Thanksgiving which we all love. I got out the decorations and the turkey made years ago has a worn look about him. The tail feathers are in need of some glue and patching. That is a perfect job for an 8 year old girl and set Molly to doing it.

Cindy comes home and I ask the usual questions. Today she had her blood drawn to check the levels of white blood cells and her total blood count. It is an indication of how the chemo is working and whether her body is fighting the effects or allowing it to work its dark magic. She says they are good and about where they always are which tells me nothing. I ask more specific questions and then I ask the big question. "Did anyone take a look at the x-ray?" It is like pulling teeth to get any information. She believes that if I truly know what is going on it will scare and hurt me and that by not telling me she protects me. Not knowing is worse than knowing. If I can label it, give it a name and know what it is doing I feel like I can battle it, do something about it.

"Yes and they said they saw no lesions. It looks like arthritis. I don't believe them but they were the ones who read it."

Hooray! It is only degenerative arthritis! How weird is that? I am happy because my wife has a degenerative bone disease. When compared to the alternative it is wonderful in this crazy logic that now rules our household. I am ecstatic!

"Why don't you believe it?"

"I don't know it just feels like, you know."

"But this is the same group that read the first x-ray right? Why wouldn't they get it right this time? That's gotta be it, arthritis."

"I don't know it just feels different from the other times my hips used to hurt when I ran."

"Well remember the doctor gave you meds to strengthen your bones and increase the production of white cells right? Maybe its that." I won't let go of this slim bit of hopeful news. I won't let her dash it either.

"Maybe your right. It was in the last treatment. Maybe so." She lets it go and doesn't argue the point anymore.

So there you have it, a microcosm of the disease cancer. We start with pain, then add fear, unknowing, the desire to protect, anxiety, anticipation then hope again. I understand why it is difficult because if you hope too much it just sets you up for disappointment.

Xray Day November

It is x-ray day and she goes in to work. She will have the x-ray and it won't be read until a week from now. The tension is high and it will come out in small arguments and angry responses from everyone.

The pain is still there and she did not ask for pain medications. I get so furious with her about that. She doesn't take care of herself and then she is in pain and suffering. She deserves better and it teaches a bad lesson to our daughters. Still she is resolute, as if she believes she deserves the pain.

She had the x-ray and I quiz her endlessly about the results. She knows nothing but the anxiety level it produces in me is almost intolerable. Did they look at it, did the technician give any indication, did anyone freak out and offer you pain meds? This comes from the first x-ray. At that time, the radiologist was on hand and took one look at it and said, "Do you need any drugs? Whatever you want, just tell me." In short he freaked out badly. This time there is no such indication from anyone. Which means we will have to wait.

Earlier I wrote about milestones. Sometimes I think I look by the side of the road we are on looking for milestones overgrown by weeds, just something to give an indication of where we are in the process and journey. It just seems like endless routine and no real sign of progress. I don't do well on long journeys with no end in sight. It drains hope from you.

Long Haul November 2007

So it is time for the long haul. It is time for the grind. Each time Cindy gets drip chemo the cycle begins:

• Day of chemo - it is tough to sit and watch her receiving chemo. Many of the people there are on the verge of death and look like they are checking out. One young lady ran out of insurance funds to get chemo and so the staff was telling her to go to Medicaid and seek funds but they still gave her treatment. I am also one of the few people who come with the person getting treatment. I can't understand that but it is hard to sit there. Eventually she falls asleep and I place the blanket around her. The fluids are not warmed and even in a heated room she shivers.
• Day 1 following - she is tired beyond words. It takes all her effort to stay awake. That Saturday is spent sleeping off and on. I try to keep the girls occupied and out of the house.
• Day 2 following - she is still tired and rests more often than not. She also begins getting depressed. It is tough to deal with but easy to understand. If I catch on early enough then I can deal with it. Lilli does not catch on and besides, at 14 it is all about her. Age appropriate I guess. Molly becomes a vegetable at the TV and I try to clean up the house and get laundry and shopping done. Sometimes I send Molly to the neighbor's house and hope she is not a burden there.
• Day 3 following - her energy is on the upswing but the depression lingers and stays for the next several days. The kids are back in school and she gets up to go to work and makes the drive and will spend the day there. I will work and worry, calling and emailing to determine mood, energy, aches and pains.
• Day 4-7 following - this pattern of fatigue, recovering energy depression and recovery will continue until 7-10 days following the chemotherapy.

Her hip has been hurting her badly and she is out of pain killers. "Ask for some." I say. "Too much trouble," she replies, "besides I can just take 5 Advil." Now that is logic that stuns me. It is easier to take 5 Advil several times each day and complain of pain than to pick up the phone and call the doctor to get painkillers prescribed? I don't understand and so I argue with her. She assures me she will do it but really just wants me to stop. I know she won't make the call.

She has scheduled an X-ray to determine what the issue is. She thinks it is another and new cancerous spot. Her regular doctor was not in and his substitute scheduled it. I have not told the kids and will wait to hear back. We will deal with it as it comes, possibly grinding out a new treatment schedule.

The sword

The sword hangs by a thread. We received a reprieve three weeks ago. The doctors said no to radiation and surgery. We were elated. Now we see the sword and we are not elated. We are watching the thread.

The sword has some words printed on it and unless you get right under it you can not read it. The words are "because it won't matter". Let me explain.

In the normal process of things cancerous there is a primary tumor. If you are lucky enough to find it early then you can attack it and get rid of it. The result is freedom. If you catch it a bit later then you can attack it with chemo and surgery and a bit of radiation and the result is freedom. If you don't catch it in time then chemo is your shot because it has become systemic and widespread. Surgery won't get it and radiation can't cover all of the items. They don't matter because they would not work.

Chemo is like a hammer that goes after all the fast dividing cells whether they are cancerous or hair cells. It goes after them all. Surgery is designed to pick out the obvious and larger item. Radiation is a pinpoint accurate device. If the problem is widespread then you can't get it all with surgery and there are too may pinpoints.

I am watching the sword for signs of movement.

Vampires

Vampires come in all shapes and sizes. Regardless of size or shape they all suck the very lifeblood out of you. It is hard to defend against them at first or to even recognize them. As time goes on it becomes easier to see them, know who they are and defend against them.

I knew a guy who went to a funeral for a friend's son. The ex-wife was complicit in the child's death and the difference in the two could not have been greater. My friend felt compelled to sit behind the ex wife whom he knew, as no one else in the chapel would sit behind her. On the ex husband's side a full contingent of people sat in support. There was no difference in grief but only in solace. My friend sat there through the entire ceremony and Mass then paid his respects to both the mother who was alone and the father who was supported.

We had a drink later and he told me he could feel the grief and suffering and hate and it was both visceral and tangible. He experienced it as an outsider but also as an insider. He felt so bad but he couldn't let go. He was a vampire in a room full of vampires.

I spoke with a friend the other day and this guy wanted details, as many as I would provide. I fended him off because I knew he was a vampire. He wanted some vicarious experience. I figured this out quickly as he turned the first few points back to his own experience and his pain at some earlier time. I excused myself and swiftly left the room.

Another friend truly has concern and he listens and never prompts. He never speaks about his own experience but sometimes commiserates saying things like "That is a real kick in the head, man. I don't know how you guys deal with it." We don't either but the care and concern he has makes it easier.

Another vampire friend wallows in the experience. This person is an acquaintance and they want all the details and rock back and forth and moan and cry. I used to tell them details but I caught on and now I give vague statements.

I know it seems harsh but tragedy and suffering bring out the strangest things in some people. People seem to be either truly concerned or they are in denial or they are vampires. After talking to them it is easy to see them hiding there in the shadows waiting to bite.