Joy and Sadness in One Breath

Among the things I detest about this disease is that it takes away with one hand what it gives you with the other. There are moments of pure joy followed closely by a tension and sadness. You move between dancing and throwing up.

We received news that made me and an 80 year old woman shout for joy and praise G_d for a pure blessing and answer to prayer (yes, I still believe). I was up in my office working on a nasty client whom I loathe. The phone rings and I recognize the number.

"Hey." I said.

"I have some news you will like."

"What's that?"

"I just came back from my appointment. They drew my blood and I looked at the numbers. They are down but not bad."

"That's great!" I said because the low white count means the stuff is working and not just robbing her of her hair.

"That's not all. Doctor A came over and ordered the PICC line taken out of my arm."

"Excellent." Except that if they need to do chemo or any other thing, they now have to poke her.

"He said, 'I never ordered that, who authorized it?' So he told them to take it out."

"Very good."

"Then he did a breast exam and told me that he had to search for the breast tumor. He then said it has shrunk drastically. He said before he could feel it right off but this time he had to search around for it and when he felt it, it was alot smaller."

"ALLLRIGGHHHTT!!!!"

"That's not all. He said that I now stand a 90% chance of it going into remission because it has responded so well."

I screamed and began to cry. I couldn't help it. I was as blown away as the moment I heard she had cancer but in a different direction.

I ran down the stairs from my office two at a time to greet her and hugged her like I would never let go. I showered her with kisses and noticed my teenage daughter was crying too. It was the best news we have had so far. I whooped and jumped and acted like teenager at a football game. Let the neighbors guess at the reason.

I emailed my sister and called my mother and told them both. My sister responded within minutes or seconds I don't really remember and shared every bit of joy. My mother, bless her, shouted for pure joy and as loudly as an 80 year old can shout.

I will take 9/10 as a bet any day and will live with 90%.

Two days later, I found out that my cousin is in the last stages of his life. It seems after returning from vacation he felt bad and sore in his back. After tests they determined he has cancer of the everything with more popping up all the time. He needed one more year to retire, get his pension and benefits for his wife. His kids are grown and with lives of their own but it is so hard nonetheless.

I had a friend who responded to the statement "Life is unfair." His response was "Fairness deals with conforming to standardized rules with no deception or self interest and to that point life is not fair as we all have self interest." "Worse," he said "is that it is not equitable as there is no sense of justice dictated by reason." All I know is that it is joy and sadness in one breath. I'm going to go throw up.

Alternative treatment Part 2

She went to the accupuncturist recently and received her treatments, both Wednesday and Friday. The treatments had no imediate effect but her oncologist said that it is great because it will assist her in her immune response.

So we will continue and see where it leads.

MIlestones

mile·stone

(mlstn)
n.
1. A stone marker set up on a roadside to indicate the distance in miles from a given point.
2. An important event, as in a person's career, the history of a nation, or the advancement of knowledge in a field; a turning point.
The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition copyright ©2000 by Houghton Mifflin Company. Updated in 2003. Published by Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved.

d. On a bike trip on a stretch of desert long since forgotten in New Mexico history, a friend of mine pointed out to me a stone that was buried in the sand. He told me it was a milestone and that it had been part of the old road between Albuquerque and Santa Fe. He told me that when he was a kid his dad would show him several that still had what he was told were measures written in Spanish but that now they were worn off. We looked at the stone and dug around it and poured water on it to see if we could discern writing of any type. There was nothing I could see.

We now live by milestones and divine the signs for any indication of good or bad. First it was the nausea. that is a good bad thing as it shows the chemo is taking effect. Inability to keep food down, another good bad thing. Weakness was a bother but it was a good bad thing. Hot flashes and menopausal symptoms coupled with mood swings and depression (who wouldn't be) are good bad things. The deep vein thrombosis and risk of stroke though are bad bad things.

So it was with great pleasure that her pain was reduced and she was able to walk upright again. I was very pleased and when she lost her hair we knew it was working. I just can't wait until she throws up again!

"Oh Jesus I am so sorry."
"Its okay sweetheart, let me get a towel."
"Oh no I can't make it to the bathroom."
"Here let me help you over the mess."

Five minutes later.

"Are you finished?"
"I think so. I'm going up to bed. Is the trash can next to the bed."
"Yes, I cleaned it up and placed it there. I'll clean up and be right up."

Oddly we have learned how to eat dinner with the sounds of mommy retching in the background. It is odd because these things would cause great concern in normal folks in normal times. Right now we are neither and we may never be normal again. You see her disease is incurable. That is right, INCURABLE which is incapable of being healed and made well again. We can not go back to a before it was ever around condition. It will simply never be that way. So we look for signs that is getting better and we hope that it will be better enough that we can live together for a long and healthy time.

I had a dream the other night that I was back on the high desert plain and I was looking out over the sage and cactus. I was searching for a milestone or even a road to lead me out of there. There was nothing I could see.