Joy and Sadness in One Breath

Among the things I detest about this disease is that it takes away with one hand what it gives you with the other. There are moments of pure joy followed closely by a tension and sadness. You move between dancing and throwing up.

We received news that made me and an 80 year old woman shout for joy and praise G_d for a pure blessing and answer to prayer (yes, I still believe). I was up in my office working on a nasty client whom I loathe. The phone rings and I recognize the number.

"Hey." I said.

"I have some news you will like."

"What's that?"

"I just came back from my appointment. They drew my blood and I looked at the numbers. They are down but not bad."

"That's great!" I said because the low white count means the stuff is working and not just robbing her of her hair.

"That's not all. Doctor A came over and ordered the PICC line taken out of my arm."

"Excellent." Except that if they need to do chemo or any other thing, they now have to poke her.

"He said, 'I never ordered that, who authorized it?' So he told them to take it out."

"Very good."

"Then he did a breast exam and told me that he had to search for the breast tumor. He then said it has shrunk drastically. He said before he could feel it right off but this time he had to search around for it and when he felt it, it was alot smaller."

"ALLLRIGGHHHTT!!!!"

"That's not all. He said that I now stand a 90% chance of it going into remission because it has responded so well."

I screamed and began to cry. I couldn't help it. I was as blown away as the moment I heard she had cancer but in a different direction.

I ran down the stairs from my office two at a time to greet her and hugged her like I would never let go. I showered her with kisses and noticed my teenage daughter was crying too. It was the best news we have had so far. I whooped and jumped and acted like teenager at a football game. Let the neighbors guess at the reason.

I emailed my sister and called my mother and told them both. My sister responded within minutes or seconds I don't really remember and shared every bit of joy. My mother, bless her, shouted for pure joy and as loudly as an 80 year old can shout.

I will take 9/10 as a bet any day and will live with 90%.

Two days later, I found out that my cousin is in the last stages of his life. It seems after returning from vacation he felt bad and sore in his back. After tests they determined he has cancer of the everything with more popping up all the time. He needed one more year to retire, get his pension and benefits for his wife. His kids are grown and with lives of their own but it is so hard nonetheless.

I had a friend who responded to the statement "Life is unfair." His response was "Fairness deals with conforming to standardized rules with no deception or self interest and to that point life is not fair as we all have self interest." "Worse," he said "is that it is not equitable as there is no sense of justice dictated by reason." All I know is that it is joy and sadness in one breath. I'm going to go throw up.