The Floor Fell Out From Under

Friday July 27 5pm

The floor fell out from under me in such a way that all I could see were dark clouds beneath me as I fell. There was nothing beneath me and I could not find the bottom.

What could cause such a fall?

"John, I have cancer. Its in my breast and spine and pelvis." Her voice trailed off and I tried to catch my breath.

"Oh shit, sweetheart. Oh my god."

"Please don't say I told you so. Please don't say it. I know I should have gone to see someone earlier...." Again my love's voice trailed off.

"I would never say that, never. What the fuck are we going to to do?" I said.

"I don't know. I go for a CAT scan tomorrow and then on Monday I have an appointment with the doctor."

"We have an appointment love. I'm going with you." I said.

"We won't know how bad it is until Monday. The CAT scan will show if it is in my liver or lungs."

"Let's sit down and let me get you a glass of wine."

So that is how the floor fell out from under me. We both cried and cried and drank a bottle of white wine until the girls got bored with TV and came to determine what we would eaat for dinner.

I cooked grilled scallops with diced summer squash sauteed in olive oil and garlic and served them over pasta. We opened another bottle of wine.

Talk was sparse and our 14 year old daughter sensed something was wrong but did not really know. Our 8 year old was as boisterous as, well, an 8 year old.

Later I put the little one to bed and joned my love in bed. We cried again and I kissed the tears away. I wrote a poem for her and left it on the pillow and we held hands while we fell asleep or as close to it as one can get.

Later that night she got up and told our older daughter.

That was the end of day one, the day the floor fell out from under me.

Let's back up a bit though and get a bit of perspective on this. I think it is important. Without it there is nothing for a frame of reference.

Back in January of 2007 my love told me her back was hurting. She had stumbled on the ice and I thought it was from that. Later I was to fall off a downhill sled and hurt mine so it wasn't anything that would or should raise concern.

We went through February, March, April and it was not getting really any better. I encouraged, begged and demanded she see someone and sh found a Chiropractor in May and got an appointment. He deduced that it was a muscle injury then a slipped disk. After treating my love for a month without positive results he sugested she see an MD. Additionally a counselor suggested the same. My love promised.

We went on vacation in early July and the wheels ground slowly forward. There was a visit and pain meds, a scheduled X-ray then MRI. Each required a week or so between appointments. The chiropractor continued and the pain increased. She could not wal or climb the stairs.

Finally on Friday July 20, 2007 she could not get up from her desk at work, a regionally famous hospital Vassar Brothers. They rushed her to the ER and told her it was a back spasm and gave her percocet. Drug them up and move them out! The doctor gave many well meaning nods of assention as he and my love decided it was nothing more than a bad back.

The X-ray was not conclusive, the MRI much more so, the mammogram horrifying and the hammer blow deliverd by the CAT scan. Monday we will know more and so we wait.