Ordinary Time

Ordinary time is the time in the Christian calendar when it is not Christmas, Advent, Epiphany or any other celebration time. It is a time when things are ... well... ordinary. We are in that time right now.

The chemo is officially half over. It ends in late November. The lump in the breast is very much smaller and the ones in the spine are little trouble now. We look forward with some bit of hope. However we know that chemo is followed by hormone therapy which is followed by surgery which is followed by radiation. It is still quite frightening.

I guess we should be happy and thankful for the peace and calm. However we are coming in to cold and flu season. I guess one can find anxiety in almost every situation. We did that last week and it was yet one more time when the floor fell completely out of from under us and me in particular.

My love was reading a web site related to breast cancer. It has become her habit to troll the sites. She was looking and stopped then said, "Says her that the survival rate for people as advanced as me is 16% in 24 months." The floor opened up and I fell through it. I hate that feeling. It is completely without any sense of control and besides overwhelming it is full of despair.

I know there are caveats to that rate. First, it depends on the age of the person. It depends on the access to medical care that they have. It depends on how good the medical care is and whether they avail themselves of it. It depends on whether they have the will to live. It depends on the education level of the person. It depends, it depends, it depends. I am bone tired of it depends and I want some certainty. I don't want the certainty she will die but some certainty that she will live. I was beyond depressed for days.

I know that she has the best, the will to live and will avail herself of every opportunity to do what is right. The bets are on her side of the ledger. Still I want some certainty and I want the floor.