Now don't get me wrong. I love my wife. I love her so much. I will care for her and stroke the hair that is falling out and hold her hand. I will love her and care for her always. We all think we do not like our spouses for some reason or other from time to time. We look for tiny faults that will disqualify them. I've done it and I believe everyone has.
It does not matter now. I am so in love with her that I would (and have asked God to) have the pain transfer to my body if it would save her from a moment of pain, suffering, sickness and doubt.
All I want is for her to get well. I want to wake up tomorrow really hung over and find her saying "Man those were some bad dreams you were having last night."
I can't stand the pain she is in and it is only week three.
Week four is the end of the first cycle, 28 days. Then we begin again with drip infusion, nausea, tamoxifen on days 9, 14, 19, 24, 28. Each day is separated by periods of nausea and pain. Her waking hours are divided by naps and pain and nausea. My moments are punctuated by fear and worry with a small amount of gut wrenching terror thrown in to spice it up. I know that at some point we will have the waxing and waning of her care and hospital visits hit an imbalance with school and work scheduling and the kids will be abandoned with no support mechanism to provide for them. I know it will happen and I worry. Did I leave the toaster or coffee pot on? Oh well I can't worry about everything.
Friday, August 17, 2007
Throwing up
8/17/07
I hate vomit. I truly do. It stinks, it is messy it makes me want to throw up. There is nothing I can say in praise of it. I remember as a kid in elementary school that a kid named Robert threw up unexpectedly. He was walking towards the pencil sharpener and BOOM there it was. That caused the little girl upon whose desk it landed to throw up and her desk mate also. Soon several had thrown up and the janitor was in for a very bad day.
With chemo there is nausea. With the pain of cancer growing on your spine and eating away the bone, there is pain. With heavy pain killers there is nausea. So with both the chemo and the pain killers there is nausea. Fortunately there is anti-nausea medication. However, if you don't get out in front of it then there is nothing you can do. It just doesn't work and to believe otherwise is delusional. You must take the goddamned meds like they tell you or it does no good!
Tonight dinner came and went figuratively and literally. The janitor had a very bad evening.
I hate vomit. I truly do. It stinks, it is messy it makes me want to throw up. There is nothing I can say in praise of it. I remember as a kid in elementary school that a kid named Robert threw up unexpectedly. He was walking towards the pencil sharpener and BOOM there it was. That caused the little girl upon whose desk it landed to throw up and her desk mate also. Soon several had thrown up and the janitor was in for a very bad day.
With chemo there is nausea. With the pain of cancer growing on your spine and eating away the bone, there is pain. With heavy pain killers there is nausea. So with both the chemo and the pain killers there is nausea. Fortunately there is anti-nausea medication. However, if you don't get out in front of it then there is nothing you can do. It just doesn't work and to believe otherwise is delusional. You must take the goddamned meds like they tell you or it does no good!
Tonight dinner came and went figuratively and literally. The janitor had a very bad evening.
Of bad teeth and dreams
8/16/07
I am walking through a town and it there are dark skies behind me. I am walking away from them and as I walk there appears an old woman to my right. I try to tell her something but my teeth feel strange. I open my mouth but I spit out a piece of my front teeth. I put my hand to my teeth and they come back bloody. I pull on the teeth and they are rotten and falling out in my hands. My face is bloody from the teeth and I look into my rotten and decayed teeth. There is onion grass growing in the pieces that are in my hand and brown decaying dirt. I turn to talk to the now old woman next to me and I wake up.
Classical dream analysis says that Iam worried that my health is failing or that I am afraid of losing someone dear to me. The old woman is a reflection oor the object of the worry I am afraid of losing my dear.
I am walking through a town and it there are dark skies behind me. I am walking away from them and as I walk there appears an old woman to my right. I try to tell her something but my teeth feel strange. I open my mouth but I spit out a piece of my front teeth. I put my hand to my teeth and they come back bloody. I pull on the teeth and they are rotten and falling out in my hands. My face is bloody from the teeth and I look into my rotten and decayed teeth. There is onion grass growing in the pieces that are in my hand and brown decaying dirt. I turn to talk to the now old woman next to me and I wake up.
Classical dream analysis says that Iam worried that my health is failing or that I am afraid of losing someone dear to me. The old woman is a reflection oor the object of the worry I am afraid of losing my dear.
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
The Praying Life
8/15/07
I had a grandmother who believed in the power of things unseen. I had a friend who believed that there was nothing more powerful than prayer. I have many friends who believe it all to be fantasy and what you see is all you get.
My friend who belies deeply says that not utilizing prayer is like a man who receives a ticket and never goes to the banquet. He says it is included with the price that was paid for you. You are missing out if you do not take from that banquet. I like that. I tend to think it like a guy who only uses 3 tools in his box and never thinks of using the others. There is so much more he could fix and enjoy if he used all the tools at his disposal.
So I have enlisted prayer in this fight. I have asked prayer groups and prayer warriors. I have spoken with monks and carmelite nuns, Internet preachers and people who are genuinely concerned and pray for others as a mission in their lives. Some have responded personally and are quite compelling. One lady offered to pray for my wife at her church on Wednesday. One guy has taken it on as a personal mission.
Of course there are frauds. One lady directed me to her site where she would create a special memo for me, divinely inspired for a small and manageable fee. The card would be renewed monthly and she took credit cards to make it easy. Another asked for a donation right out of the box.
Most however are like one person who spoke to his Rabbi and asked if he would insert a prayer for healing into a niche in the western wall. The rabbi said he would and in some niche there now sits a small scrap of paper requesting that God heal my wife. Could I ask for more?
I wait now for a miracle. I pray for them all and ask for tiny mercies to be shown to them. That is all we can ask for and more than we all deserve, tiny, precious mercies.
I had a grandmother who believed in the power of things unseen. I had a friend who believed that there was nothing more powerful than prayer. I have many friends who believe it all to be fantasy and what you see is all you get.
My friend who belies deeply says that not utilizing prayer is like a man who receives a ticket and never goes to the banquet. He says it is included with the price that was paid for you. You are missing out if you do not take from that banquet. I like that. I tend to think it like a guy who only uses 3 tools in his box and never thinks of using the others. There is so much more he could fix and enjoy if he used all the tools at his disposal.
So I have enlisted prayer in this fight. I have asked prayer groups and prayer warriors. I have spoken with monks and carmelite nuns, Internet preachers and people who are genuinely concerned and pray for others as a mission in their lives. Some have responded personally and are quite compelling. One lady offered to pray for my wife at her church on Wednesday. One guy has taken it on as a personal mission.
Of course there are frauds. One lady directed me to her site where she would create a special memo for me, divinely inspired for a small and manageable fee. The card would be renewed monthly and she took credit cards to make it easy. Another asked for a donation right out of the box.
Most however are like one person who spoke to his Rabbi and asked if he would insert a prayer for healing into a niche in the western wall. The rabbi said he would and in some niche there now sits a small scrap of paper requesting that God heal my wife. Could I ask for more?
I wait now for a miracle. I pray for them all and ask for tiny mercies to be shown to them. That is all we can ask for and more than we all deserve, tiny, precious mercies.
Emergency Room 2
We have good days and bad days, some from the chemo and some from us.
The sisters came in on Friday and there was an air of love and reconciliation in the air. I prepared a big dinner and we all shared in it laughing and telling stories of good times. The two sisters that had been so far apart now seemed close. My wife tired and after helping her up and to bed I shared some moments with her sisters over a glass of wine. It was as though no storm had descended and a cloudless sky reigned.
The following day my wife was weaker and we visited a few places on a Sunday drive. It was nice but I could see her grow weaker. We stopped so she could have some rest and we sat on a park bench when she became ill, very ill. I helped her up and to the car and we packed everyone back in and drove home as quickly as possible.
Here is the thing, when you get fatigued the pain sets in and seems to increase. The pain becomes so great that you become nauseous. Once you are nauseous you can not keep medication for pain or water down so you become weaker and in more pain and then you become more nauseous and the cycle repeats.
We got her to bed and she had a fitful night with little sleep. In the morning she sounded dry and raspy and weak. I didn't know what to do so I called her oncologist. Then I called the infusion center and the ER. She needed liquids, an IV, probably some electrolytes and pain killers as well as nausea meds. We needed to get out in front of this wave, this tidal wave.
Doctors can not diagnose over the phone and without seeing the patient they can not get a feel for the extent of the problem. I realize that and understand that but it is still hard when the man in charge won't make a decision and leaves it up to the husband. "Well if you think she should go to the ER then she should go to the ER if you don't then she shouldn't." Sage advice. I wonder what I paid for that.
So I made the decision to take her in. Her sister the nurse traveled with us.
ERs are hard places to be and an ER on Sunday is sad and desperate. It is also a place where revelations occur and one occurred to me. A young lady was present and when it was her turn at the triage desk she was there for an earache which made her nauseous. She had no insurance and so was there with her small child seeking aid. How horrible that she needs to rely on an ER for that type of care and that she could not afford to get treated before it was at that point. We need to do something about that for compassion's sake if nothing else.
Back to my wife. We secured a room because she is one of the staff and so gets attention lavished on her in a manner that others can not get. They start her on an IV drip and she ends up taking nearly 3 liters over the next 24 hours along with potassium and other electrolytes. They also can not seem to get out in front of the pain and nausea. After almost two hours she is still in pain and feeling sick, in fact, throwing up. They finally hit her with dilaudid in a fairly strong amount. The pain lessens and she gets an anti nausea medication that also works in tandem with the dilaudid to make her quite euphoric. Then the anti nausea meds kick in and she begins to have a lowe blood pressure and her pulse rate declines somewhat. We are four hours into the experience and the afternoon is drawing to a close.
They decide that they need to determine if there is something they missed on a previous scan and so she gets a cat scan and x-ray of her abdomen. Then they decide she is staying overnight. Her sister decides she will sleep in the chair and my beloved slips into a peaceful sleep.
I exit after 8 hours in the storm and need to rive home to take care of my daughters, cook and get my little one into a bath then close the day. Tomorrow will come early once again.
The sisters came in on Friday and there was an air of love and reconciliation in the air. I prepared a big dinner and we all shared in it laughing and telling stories of good times. The two sisters that had been so far apart now seemed close. My wife tired and after helping her up and to bed I shared some moments with her sisters over a glass of wine. It was as though no storm had descended and a cloudless sky reigned.
The following day my wife was weaker and we visited a few places on a Sunday drive. It was nice but I could see her grow weaker. We stopped so she could have some rest and we sat on a park bench when she became ill, very ill. I helped her up and to the car and we packed everyone back in and drove home as quickly as possible.
Here is the thing, when you get fatigued the pain sets in and seems to increase. The pain becomes so great that you become nauseous. Once you are nauseous you can not keep medication for pain or water down so you become weaker and in more pain and then you become more nauseous and the cycle repeats.
We got her to bed and she had a fitful night with little sleep. In the morning she sounded dry and raspy and weak. I didn't know what to do so I called her oncologist. Then I called the infusion center and the ER. She needed liquids, an IV, probably some electrolytes and pain killers as well as nausea meds. We needed to get out in front of this wave, this tidal wave.
Doctors can not diagnose over the phone and without seeing the patient they can not get a feel for the extent of the problem. I realize that and understand that but it is still hard when the man in charge won't make a decision and leaves it up to the husband. "Well if you think she should go to the ER then she should go to the ER if you don't then she shouldn't." Sage advice. I wonder what I paid for that.
So I made the decision to take her in. Her sister the nurse traveled with us.
ERs are hard places to be and an ER on Sunday is sad and desperate. It is also a place where revelations occur and one occurred to me. A young lady was present and when it was her turn at the triage desk she was there for an earache which made her nauseous. She had no insurance and so was there with her small child seeking aid. How horrible that she needs to rely on an ER for that type of care and that she could not afford to get treated before it was at that point. We need to do something about that for compassion's sake if nothing else.
Back to my wife. We secured a room because she is one of the staff and so gets attention lavished on her in a manner that others can not get. They start her on an IV drip and she ends up taking nearly 3 liters over the next 24 hours along with potassium and other electrolytes. They also can not seem to get out in front of the pain and nausea. After almost two hours she is still in pain and feeling sick, in fact, throwing up. They finally hit her with dilaudid in a fairly strong amount. The pain lessens and she gets an anti nausea medication that also works in tandem with the dilaudid to make her quite euphoric. Then the anti nausea meds kick in and she begins to have a lowe blood pressure and her pulse rate declines somewhat. We are four hours into the experience and the afternoon is drawing to a close.
They decide that they need to determine if there is something they missed on a previous scan and so she gets a cat scan and x-ray of her abdomen. Then they decide she is staying overnight. Her sister decides she will sleep in the chair and my beloved slips into a peaceful sleep.
I exit after 8 hours in the storm and need to rive home to take care of my daughters, cook and get my little one into a bath then close the day. Tomorrow will come early once again.
Monday, August 13, 2007
ER 1
8/6/07
I am on a brief business trip. My adult son is with his mother and the daughters are safely off to activities. I make my business train to DC and am working with a client. I am getting things done.
The cellphone goes off in my pocket. I see the number from the house excuse myself from the meeting and answer normally. It is my wife. She is in pain and nauseous. Her voice is raspy and dry. She sounds tired. We talk and she keeps repeating that she is very tired. I can tell there is a problem.
"Let me speak to ---."
"Hey dad."
"What's up with Mom"
"I dunno I was watching Law and Order."
"What the f--- are you doing watching the tv? You're supposed to be helping your mom."
"Wait dad, she said she is alright and doesn't need any help."
"She says she is in pain and feels sick to her stomach."
"She did not tell me, I swear it. So what should I do?"
"I don't know, let me think. Is she hot?"
"She asked me to up the AC."
"Crap! Can she drink any water?"
"Nope, she says it makes her feel really sick."
"Okay, I'm going to call her point person at the cancer center."
I make the call and they ask me questions and then look at her chart. My wife had just received an injection to increase her white cell count on Friday. It would cause her pain and in pain she would take meds which would cause her to get nauseated and throw them up. I needed to get her in for a little IV rehydration and meds.
I step out of the building and call the house. A long time before an answer, not good or am I paranoid. She answers.
"Okay, you need to go in to the ER and get some fluids."
"No, I'm okay really. I'll be fine."
"You're not listening. The nurse at the center said go."
"No, I'm fine."
"I'll call back."
I hang up and get my son on his cell phone.
"Take your mother to the ER and don't take no for an answer. Nag her, force her."
"Why what's up."
"She is dehydrated and soon she will throw up and then get an elevated temp and we have problems. Get her there now so we won't have problems."
"But dad, she doesn't want to go."
"I'M NOT ASKING YOU! I'M TELLING YOU. I'M 400 MILES AWAY AND CAN'T GET THERE SO DO WHAT I TOLD YOU TO. HER POINT NURSE WILL MEET YOU AT THE ER."
"You don't have to yell and I'm not going to.."
I hang up and call my wife. I tell her what the point nurse said and tell her she has to go now. She agrees and they start off.
I rejoin the meeting and maintain a calm demeanor. I go outside at a break and make a call to her cell.
"So, what is going on?"
"Well I've been sitting here for about an hour waiting."
"I'll call back."
I pull out the number of the lady on my wife's staff who makes things happen and dial her up. I explain the situation and she asks me to hold for a moment. I hear her get on the other line and can tell that someone is getting some direct questions. I hear her call and speak to another person. She rejoins me on the line.
"Im on my way to make certain it happens. You call anytime and tell her to call me if she is feeling bad."
I call back to my wife and strangely things began to happen and move. I call to arrange pickup for daughter 1 & 2. I leave her alone and complete my meeting.
Late that evening I get a call back from my wife and she is crying. She did not know how dehydrated she was. The pain meds are adjusted and a new anti nausea med is prescribed. She now has dilaudid along with oxy contin. I can't even pronounce the nausea drug but she says it makes her euphoric.
My son calls with a shaky voice. "I'm really sorry dad. I didn't know how bad it was."
The nurse in charge and the point nurse call to tell me we caught it in time. We broke the cycle of dehydrate, nausea, ineffective nausea med, throwing up, dehydration, etc. Apparently if the temp gets too high and she can't get the nausea to work then things can get bad.
Note to self, no business trips just yet.
I am on a brief business trip. My adult son is with his mother and the daughters are safely off to activities. I make my business train to DC and am working with a client. I am getting things done.
The cellphone goes off in my pocket. I see the number from the house excuse myself from the meeting and answer normally. It is my wife. She is in pain and nauseous. Her voice is raspy and dry. She sounds tired. We talk and she keeps repeating that she is very tired. I can tell there is a problem.
"Let me speak to ---."
"Hey dad."
"What's up with Mom"
"I dunno I was watching Law and Order."
"What the f--- are you doing watching the tv? You're supposed to be helping your mom."
"Wait dad, she said she is alright and doesn't need any help."
"She says she is in pain and feels sick to her stomach."
"She did not tell me, I swear it. So what should I do?"
"I don't know, let me think. Is she hot?"
"She asked me to up the AC."
"Crap! Can she drink any water?"
"Nope, she says it makes her feel really sick."
"Okay, I'm going to call her point person at the cancer center."
I make the call and they ask me questions and then look at her chart. My wife had just received an injection to increase her white cell count on Friday. It would cause her pain and in pain she would take meds which would cause her to get nauseated and throw them up. I needed to get her in for a little IV rehydration and meds.
I step out of the building and call the house. A long time before an answer, not good or am I paranoid. She answers.
"Okay, you need to go in to the ER and get some fluids."
"No, I'm okay really. I'll be fine."
"You're not listening. The nurse at the center said go."
"No, I'm fine."
"I'll call back."
I hang up and get my son on his cell phone.
"Take your mother to the ER and don't take no for an answer. Nag her, force her."
"Why what's up."
"She is dehydrated and soon she will throw up and then get an elevated temp and we have problems. Get her there now so we won't have problems."
"But dad, she doesn't want to go."
"I'M NOT ASKING YOU! I'M TELLING YOU. I'M 400 MILES AWAY AND CAN'T GET THERE SO DO WHAT I TOLD YOU TO. HER POINT NURSE WILL MEET YOU AT THE ER."
"You don't have to yell and I'm not going to.."
I hang up and call my wife. I tell her what the point nurse said and tell her she has to go now. She agrees and they start off.
I rejoin the meeting and maintain a calm demeanor. I go outside at a break and make a call to her cell.
"So, what is going on?"
"Well I've been sitting here for about an hour waiting."
"I'll call back."
I pull out the number of the lady on my wife's staff who makes things happen and dial her up. I explain the situation and she asks me to hold for a moment. I hear her get on the other line and can tell that someone is getting some direct questions. I hear her call and speak to another person. She rejoins me on the line.
"Im on my way to make certain it happens. You call anytime and tell her to call me if she is feeling bad."
I call back to my wife and strangely things began to happen and move. I call to arrange pickup for daughter 1 & 2. I leave her alone and complete my meeting.
Late that evening I get a call back from my wife and she is crying. She did not know how dehydrated she was. The pain meds are adjusted and a new anti nausea med is prescribed. She now has dilaudid along with oxy contin. I can't even pronounce the nausea drug but she says it makes her euphoric.
My son calls with a shaky voice. "I'm really sorry dad. I didn't know how bad it was."
The nurse in charge and the point nurse call to tell me we caught it in time. We broke the cycle of dehydrate, nausea, ineffective nausea med, throwing up, dehydration, etc. Apparently if the temp gets too high and she can't get the nausea to work then things can get bad.
Note to self, no business trips just yet.
Caregiving
Caregivers suffer fatigue and I never once considered it. When I knew of my wife's cancer after I picked my self off the floor and could finally take a breath, I set a plan. I contacted the HR department of her work for an insurance review, contacted our financial advisor, looked at the supplemental insurance and disability plans, reviewed our life insurance. I then created a plan to deal with almost any contingency and began acting on it.
I found places and activities for our daughters. I got assurances of cooperation on picking up one and taking the other and had things well scripted. I found people to bring food and do shopping, people who could be with my wife so I could do my job.
I looked at menus to cook and marshaled the kids to clean and do the laundry (I love my pink socks) and everyone had a responsibility. I would organize and prepare and make it all fit into a neat little plan. Then I could take care of my wife's needs as they grew.
I spent time with each daughter so they could cry or question and be emotional. I patiently answered questions and wiped tears. I handled anger and rage and gave pep talks which I believe. I was all over it for them.
I left out a small item, which was down time and sleep for me. In two short weeks at the front end of this experience I was dead on my feet. I was also emotionally exhausted. In fact one day the man of steel was returning from dropping off daughter number one for a little R&R when I put on a bluegrass CD and cried for 30 minutes while I was driving 90 mph down I84.
Then I began missing a beat. The synapses weren't firing. In fact I wasn't firing on all 8 cylinders, maybe 5 at the most. I was not thinking logically and having to search for words. My normally quick and witty responses became slow and dull. I answered questions incorrectly and incoherently at one point. What was the matter, I was getting 3-5 hours sleep each night.
My running was suffering. I was up to 20-25 miles/week and it was now 3 miles/day of running through mud. My breathing was not good and I was dead after 30 minutes of level ground workout.
So I was spent. I slept last night and I slept like the dead. I got up and discharged duties and went back to bed. I got up and mid afternoon I fell asleep at my desk. I was massively hungry and thirsty too and fueled up probably 4000-5000 calories along with nearly a gallon of water.
Not oddly, I feel better. Note to self, take care of yourself. You are no good to anyone superman when you are down and out. Also find someone to talk with.
I found places and activities for our daughters. I got assurances of cooperation on picking up one and taking the other and had things well scripted. I found people to bring food and do shopping, people who could be with my wife so I could do my job.
I looked at menus to cook and marshaled the kids to clean and do the laundry (I love my pink socks) and everyone had a responsibility. I would organize and prepare and make it all fit into a neat little plan. Then I could take care of my wife's needs as they grew.
I spent time with each daughter so they could cry or question and be emotional. I patiently answered questions and wiped tears. I handled anger and rage and gave pep talks which I believe. I was all over it for them.
I left out a small item, which was down time and sleep for me. In two short weeks at the front end of this experience I was dead on my feet. I was also emotionally exhausted. In fact one day the man of steel was returning from dropping off daughter number one for a little R&R when I put on a bluegrass CD and cried for 30 minutes while I was driving 90 mph down I84.
Then I began missing a beat. The synapses weren't firing. In fact I wasn't firing on all 8 cylinders, maybe 5 at the most. I was not thinking logically and having to search for words. My normally quick and witty responses became slow and dull. I answered questions incorrectly and incoherently at one point. What was the matter, I was getting 3-5 hours sleep each night.
My running was suffering. I was up to 20-25 miles/week and it was now 3 miles/day of running through mud. My breathing was not good and I was dead after 30 minutes of level ground workout.
So I was spent. I slept last night and I slept like the dead. I got up and discharged duties and went back to bed. I got up and mid afternoon I fell asleep at my desk. I was massively hungry and thirsty too and fueled up probably 4000-5000 calories along with nearly a gallon of water.
Not oddly, I feel better. Note to self, take care of yourself. You are no good to anyone superman when you are down and out. Also find someone to talk with.
First Treatment
8/1/07
We walk into the lobby of the infusion center and it is very pretty. There is a string quartet playing as patients enter and leave the treatment center. A man is talking to another man. He compares it to the string quartets playing at the Nazi prison camps as the trains unloaded. That chills me.
A man is seated in the lobby. He has no hair whatsoever on his head, face, eyebrows or arms. His sons who are young sit with him. That has to scare the shit out of them.
"How was your day?" "Great, I watched dad get chemo, it made him sick and nearly killed him and there were all these people there who looked like skeletons. I can't wait to go again!"
The horrors we visit on our children.
More later.
We walk into the lobby of the infusion center and it is very pretty. There is a string quartet playing as patients enter and leave the treatment center. A man is talking to another man. He compares it to the string quartets playing at the Nazi prison camps as the trains unloaded. That chills me.
A man is seated in the lobby. He has no hair whatsoever on his head, face, eyebrows or arms. His sons who are young sit with him. That has to scare the shit out of them.
"How was your day?" "Great, I watched dad get chemo, it made him sick and nearly killed him and there were all these people there who looked like skeletons. I can't wait to go again!"
The horrors we visit on our children.
More later.
Testng and Horrors
7/30/07
The tests were horrible. The hospital where she worked arranged for same day service on all the tests and the staff was alerted. We were ushered in without registration and she was escorted to the area without delay. Usually for a non - hospital/medical person the tests would have occurred two or three days later and on successive days and results would have been processed at the doctor's pleasure and a week later you would have the answers. All that is precious time lost.
Now I have to say that survival rates from what I have found are affected by how quickly and thoroughly the process is run. Also they are affected by the education level of the patient, willingness to submit to treatment, the ability of the hospital and the experience they have. If the hospital treats two or three a year versus two or three a day then there is a gap in the ability to effectively treat. Also I wish everyone could get the treatment a hospital accords one of their own. It is not fair and I am sorry but I want my wife to live and will take every advantage I am given.
The MUGGA scan and the other tests require a great deal of poking and prodding and drawing of blood. It is gruesome. Then comes the radiology where they inject a radioactive dye into the bloodstream and then track it as it makes a picture of it's path and the heart's efficiency in pumping. The blood tests require more poking and leaches. Then comes the biopsy where they insert an 8mm needle into the breast and into the lump to get a core sample.
The tests take all day and she is exhausted. We go home. Tomorrow if all is well she begins chemo.
The tests were horrible. The hospital where she worked arranged for same day service on all the tests and the staff was alerted. We were ushered in without registration and she was escorted to the area without delay. Usually for a non - hospital/medical person the tests would have occurred two or three days later and on successive days and results would have been processed at the doctor's pleasure and a week later you would have the answers. All that is precious time lost.
Now I have to say that survival rates from what I have found are affected by how quickly and thoroughly the process is run. Also they are affected by the education level of the patient, willingness to submit to treatment, the ability of the hospital and the experience they have. If the hospital treats two or three a year versus two or three a day then there is a gap in the ability to effectively treat. Also I wish everyone could get the treatment a hospital accords one of their own. It is not fair and I am sorry but I want my wife to live and will take every advantage I am given.
The MUGGA scan and the other tests require a great deal of poking and prodding and drawing of blood. It is gruesome. Then comes the radiology where they inject a radioactive dye into the bloodstream and then track it as it makes a picture of it's path and the heart's efficiency in pumping. The blood tests require more poking and leaches. Then comes the biopsy where they insert an 8mm needle into the breast and into the lump to get a core sample.
The tests take all day and she is exhausted. We go home. Tomorrow if all is well she begins chemo.
Words I Don't Understand
7/30/07
I was told by a person wise in the know that I needed to take a notebook and write everything down that is said between the doctor and my wife. She may understand the things the doctor is saying but it will all be a buzz to the uninitiated. My wife is a nurse. I am glad I took the notebook. Here is a sample of the words:
biopsy, stage 4, lumpectomy, nodes, lymph system, metastasis, chemo, estogen driven, 8mm needle biopsy, systemic therapy, cyto-toxic, alkaloids, taxains, MUGGA, Zymeda, epidemiology, phytochemicals, methotrexate, mscontin, arimidex anastrozole, tamoxifen citrate, nonsteroidal antiestrogenic, her2 overexpression, anthracycline antibiotics, cytoxan
We started with a review of the MRI and x-ray. The primary tumor had spread (metastisized) into the lymph system and into the bone. There was a spot on the liver that was small and did not concern him, same for the lung. The doctor wants to start the chemo immediately following the next tests. Over 50% of the breast cancers are estrogen driven which is good because they can give chemos to dry up every bit of estrogen in the body. They couple that with a poison that kills all fast replicating cells and then hit it with a dose that goes after the RNA and destroys it. The doctor says that Stage IV is terrible but most women (90%) go into remission.
As a note, 1/7 of the women in the US get cancer. A cancer is a unique organism. Your cells in your liver know they are not like the cells in your stomach and not like the cells in your skin. Also cells have a life cycle. They are born, live, reproduce and die much like Lutherans. Cancer cells don't know they are different from the surrounding cells and so they invade by growing on to the surrounding area. They also get into lymph and blood systems and travel. They also do not understand the life cycles. They are born, live and reproduce and reproduce and reproduce much like Catholics and Mormons and very poor heathens (I was all three so I get a pass).
The tests will determine if my wife's heart can take the stress and pump efficiently and whether the cancer is estrogen driven. They will give medication for pain, nausea, chemotherapy and to build up the white cell count.
If she can't take the strain then it is terrible. If the cancer is not estrogen driven thn taht is terrible but treatable. I can't atke any more bad news.
I was told by a person wise in the know that I needed to take a notebook and write everything down that is said between the doctor and my wife. She may understand the things the doctor is saying but it will all be a buzz to the uninitiated. My wife is a nurse. I am glad I took the notebook. Here is a sample of the words:
biopsy, stage 4, lumpectomy, nodes, lymph system, metastasis, chemo, estogen driven, 8mm needle biopsy, systemic therapy, cyto-toxic, alkaloids, taxains, MUGGA, Zymeda, epidemiology, phytochemicals, methotrexate, mscontin, arimidex anastrozole, tamoxifen citrate, nonsteroidal antiestrogenic, her2 overexpression, anthracycline antibiotics, cytoxan
We started with a review of the MRI and x-ray. The primary tumor had spread (metastisized) into the lymph system and into the bone. There was a spot on the liver that was small and did not concern him, same for the lung. The doctor wants to start the chemo immediately following the next tests. Over 50% of the breast cancers are estrogen driven which is good because they can give chemos to dry up every bit of estrogen in the body. They couple that with a poison that kills all fast replicating cells and then hit it with a dose that goes after the RNA and destroys it. The doctor says that Stage IV is terrible but most women (90%) go into remission.
As a note, 1/7 of the women in the US get cancer. A cancer is a unique organism. Your cells in your liver know they are not like the cells in your stomach and not like the cells in your skin. Also cells have a life cycle. They are born, live, reproduce and die much like Lutherans. Cancer cells don't know they are different from the surrounding cells and so they invade by growing on to the surrounding area. They also get into lymph and blood systems and travel. They also do not understand the life cycles. They are born, live and reproduce and reproduce and reproduce much like Catholics and Mormons and very poor heathens (I was all three so I get a pass).
The tests will determine if my wife's heart can take the stress and pump efficiently and whether the cancer is estrogen driven. They will give medication for pain, nausea, chemotherapy and to build up the white cell count.
If she can't take the strain then it is terrible. If the cancer is not estrogen driven thn taht is terrible but treatable. I can't atke any more bad news.
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