Prayer Warriors November

Some people think it is cultish, others think it hopeful and trusting. I think it is one more weapon in the arsenal and it gives me some sense of peace. I do not know if there is anything to substantiate or contradict that people for whom there are prayers respond better to treatment or not. In fact my recently departed cousin had many prayers yet succumbed to cancer quickly. I only know that it is a promise that I hold on to.

I submitted my wife's name to several groups for intercessory prayer. One group was a Catholic monastery and one a group of nuns. My son calls them a coven as in witches. I also sent her name and a prayer request to a group of "prayer warriors". These people pray for others as part of their routine and make special group prayers for people. Her name filtered back to a group that resides in my old hometown and soon I was getting emails from people I had not heard from in 30 years. I was stunned.

Another group is from way out west in Wyoming. If anyone needs prayers it is people who suffer through a Wyoming winter. This group promised to pray for my wife. Now most prayers are generally soft spoken things where people ask for something and use softer language and phrases like "love" and "His will" , as if death and suffering were all part of god's will. Not this group.

I received several prayers from people who took control and demanded and backed it with the hard language of someone in battle. No quarter was given or expected. They made perfectly clear what they wanted, why they wanted it and when they wanted it. I was stunned. I had never heard of such things. These were little old ladies and they sounded like warriors, prayer warriors. In fact, I am reprinting one prayer I received which I still find remarkable.

I am standing in agreement with you John that your wife will be delivered from all cancer in her body. It does not belong to her. It is an intruder in her body and must be evicted, in Jesus name. I stand in agreement believing that God will lift her spirit and let her see His love for her and His mighty plan for her life. I pray that all pain will leave and the cancer will die at the roots and be detached from it's source and I cancel the agenda of the enemy against your wife and your family. I ask Father, that the blood of Jesus will bathe her and take every vestige of cancer from her body. I ask that you, Holy Spirit, will speak to her heart and reveal the great love that the Father has for her. I ask that you will show her that Jesus died so that she could, not only be saved, but also be healed. Your word says in I Peter 2:24 that by His stripes we were healed, so healing belongs to her, in Jesus name. I thank you, Abba, for the opportunity to see the enemy pushed back by your presence. We call upon you to apply your mercy and grace to this family and bring healing, peace and joy in the place of sickness and pain. And we thank you that you are doing just that. I also ask, Father, that you keep your hand on these children as their Mama comes through this. Give them your peace and give John your peace that passes all understanding and to you be all the glory as you fulfill you purpose in their lives.

I will pray for you and your family every day. And I will share this need with our prayer group here. We will pray tonight, corporately, for you and your family and I believe that there will be several who will commit to pray daily until we see the manifestation come forth. My brother, you and your wife and children, are not alone.

In His love,
Sis. Jeanne

My goodness Sister Jeanne, I am still in stunned admiration of your strength and faith. I would like to have only a small portion of it, more than that would be impossible to handle.

X-ray Results November

It is one week before Thanksgiving. It is already cold and the sky looks like snow is coming. The days are noticeably shorter and the nights longer. In short it is another gloomy November day in upstate New York. My bet is that winter will arrive soon.

We are preparing for Thanksgiving which we all love. I got out the decorations and the turkey made years ago has a worn look about him. The tail feathers are in need of some glue and patching. That is a perfect job for an 8 year old girl and set Molly to doing it.

Cindy comes home and I ask the usual questions. Today she had her blood drawn to check the levels of white blood cells and her total blood count. It is an indication of how the chemo is working and whether her body is fighting the effects or allowing it to work its dark magic. She says they are good and about where they always are which tells me nothing. I ask more specific questions and then I ask the big question. "Did anyone take a look at the x-ray?" It is like pulling teeth to get any information. She believes that if I truly know what is going on it will scare and hurt me and that by not telling me she protects me. Not knowing is worse than knowing. If I can label it, give it a name and know what it is doing I feel like I can battle it, do something about it.

"Yes and they said they saw no lesions. It looks like arthritis. I don't believe them but they were the ones who read it."

Hooray! It is only degenerative arthritis! How weird is that? I am happy because my wife has a degenerative bone disease. When compared to the alternative it is wonderful in this crazy logic that now rules our household. I am ecstatic!

"Why don't you believe it?"

"I don't know it just feels like, you know."

"But this is the same group that read the first x-ray right? Why wouldn't they get it right this time? That's gotta be it, arthritis."

"I don't know it just feels different from the other times my hips used to hurt when I ran."

"Well remember the doctor gave you meds to strengthen your bones and increase the production of white cells right? Maybe its that." I won't let go of this slim bit of hopeful news. I won't let her dash it either.

"Maybe your right. It was in the last treatment. Maybe so." She lets it go and doesn't argue the point anymore.

So there you have it, a microcosm of the disease cancer. We start with pain, then add fear, unknowing, the desire to protect, anxiety, anticipation then hope again. I understand why it is difficult because if you hope too much it just sets you up for disappointment.

Xray Day November

It is x-ray day and she goes in to work. She will have the x-ray and it won't be read until a week from now. The tension is high and it will come out in small arguments and angry responses from everyone.

The pain is still there and she did not ask for pain medications. I get so furious with her about that. She doesn't take care of herself and then she is in pain and suffering. She deserves better and it teaches a bad lesson to our daughters. Still she is resolute, as if she believes she deserves the pain.

She had the x-ray and I quiz her endlessly about the results. She knows nothing but the anxiety level it produces in me is almost intolerable. Did they look at it, did the technician give any indication, did anyone freak out and offer you pain meds? This comes from the first x-ray. At that time, the radiologist was on hand and took one look at it and said, "Do you need any drugs? Whatever you want, just tell me." In short he freaked out badly. This time there is no such indication from anyone. Which means we will have to wait.

Earlier I wrote about milestones. Sometimes I think I look by the side of the road we are on looking for milestones overgrown by weeds, just something to give an indication of where we are in the process and journey. It just seems like endless routine and no real sign of progress. I don't do well on long journeys with no end in sight. It drains hope from you.

Long Haul November 2007

So it is time for the long haul. It is time for the grind. Each time Cindy gets drip chemo the cycle begins:

• Day of chemo - it is tough to sit and watch her receiving chemo. Many of the people there are on the verge of death and look like they are checking out. One young lady ran out of insurance funds to get chemo and so the staff was telling her to go to Medicaid and seek funds but they still gave her treatment. I am also one of the few people who come with the person getting treatment. I can't understand that but it is hard to sit there. Eventually she falls asleep and I place the blanket around her. The fluids are not warmed and even in a heated room she shivers.
• Day 1 following - she is tired beyond words. It takes all her effort to stay awake. That Saturday is spent sleeping off and on. I try to keep the girls occupied and out of the house.
• Day 2 following - she is still tired and rests more often than not. She also begins getting depressed. It is tough to deal with but easy to understand. If I catch on early enough then I can deal with it. Lilli does not catch on and besides, at 14 it is all about her. Age appropriate I guess. Molly becomes a vegetable at the TV and I try to clean up the house and get laundry and shopping done. Sometimes I send Molly to the neighbor's house and hope she is not a burden there.
• Day 3 following - her energy is on the upswing but the depression lingers and stays for the next several days. The kids are back in school and she gets up to go to work and makes the drive and will spend the day there. I will work and worry, calling and emailing to determine mood, energy, aches and pains.
• Day 4-7 following - this pattern of fatigue, recovering energy depression and recovery will continue until 7-10 days following the chemotherapy.

Her hip has been hurting her badly and she is out of pain killers. "Ask for some." I say. "Too much trouble," she replies, "besides I can just take 5 Advil." Now that is logic that stuns me. It is easier to take 5 Advil several times each day and complain of pain than to pick up the phone and call the doctor to get painkillers prescribed? I don't understand and so I argue with her. She assures me she will do it but really just wants me to stop. I know she won't make the call.

She has scheduled an X-ray to determine what the issue is. She thinks it is another and new cancerous spot. Her regular doctor was not in and his substitute scheduled it. I have not told the kids and will wait to hear back. We will deal with it as it comes, possibly grinding out a new treatment schedule.