Caregiving

Caregivers suffer fatigue and I never once considered it. When I knew of my wife's cancer after I picked my self off the floor and could finally take a breath, I set a plan. I contacted the HR department of her work for an insurance review, contacted our financial advisor, looked at the supplemental insurance and disability plans, reviewed our life insurance. I then created a plan to deal with almost any contingency and began acting on it.

I found places and activities for our daughters. I got assurances of cooperation on picking up one and taking the other and had things well scripted. I found people to bring food and do shopping, people who could be with my wife so I could do my job.

I looked at menus to cook and marshaled the kids to clean and do the laundry (I love my pink socks) and everyone had a responsibility. I would organize and prepare and make it all fit into a neat little plan. Then I could take care of my wife's needs as they grew.

I spent time with each daughter so they could cry or question and be emotional. I patiently answered questions and wiped tears. I handled anger and rage and gave pep talks which I believe. I was all over it for them.

I left out a small item, which was down time and sleep for me. In two short weeks at the front end of this experience I was dead on my feet. I was also emotionally exhausted. In fact one day the man of steel was returning from dropping off daughter number one for a little R&R when I put on a bluegrass CD and cried for 30 minutes while I was driving 90 mph down I84.

Then I began missing a beat. The synapses weren't firing. In fact I wasn't firing on all 8 cylinders, maybe 5 at the most. I was not thinking logically and having to search for words. My normally quick and witty responses became slow and dull. I answered questions incorrectly and incoherently at one point. What was the matter, I was getting 3-5 hours sleep each night.

My running was suffering. I was up to 20-25 miles/week and it was now 3 miles/day of running through mud. My breathing was not good and I was dead after 30 minutes of level ground workout.

So I was spent. I slept last night and I slept like the dead. I got up and discharged duties and went back to bed. I got up and mid afternoon I fell asleep at my desk. I was massively hungry and thirsty too and fueled up probably 4000-5000 calories along with nearly a gallon of water.

Not oddly, I feel better. Note to self, take care of yourself. You are no good to anyone superman when you are down and out. Also find someone to talk with.