MIlestones

mile·stone

(mlstn)
n.
1. A stone marker set up on a roadside to indicate the distance in miles from a given point.
2. An important event, as in a person's career, the history of a nation, or the advancement of knowledge in a field; a turning point.
The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition copyright ©2000 by Houghton Mifflin Company. Updated in 2003. Published by Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved.

d. On a bike trip on a stretch of desert long since forgotten in New Mexico history, a friend of mine pointed out to me a stone that was buried in the sand. He told me it was a milestone and that it had been part of the old road between Albuquerque and Santa Fe. He told me that when he was a kid his dad would show him several that still had what he was told were measures written in Spanish but that now they were worn off. We looked at the stone and dug around it and poured water on it to see if we could discern writing of any type. There was nothing I could see.

We now live by milestones and divine the signs for any indication of good or bad. First it was the nausea. that is a good bad thing as it shows the chemo is taking effect. Inability to keep food down, another good bad thing. Weakness was a bother but it was a good bad thing. Hot flashes and menopausal symptoms coupled with mood swings and depression (who wouldn't be) are good bad things. The deep vein thrombosis and risk of stroke though are bad bad things.

So it was with great pleasure that her pain was reduced and she was able to walk upright again. I was very pleased and when she lost her hair we knew it was working. I just can't wait until she throws up again!

"Oh Jesus I am so sorry."
"Its okay sweetheart, let me get a towel."
"Oh no I can't make it to the bathroom."
"Here let me help you over the mess."

Five minutes later.

"Are you finished?"
"I think so. I'm going up to bed. Is the trash can next to the bed."
"Yes, I cleaned it up and placed it there. I'll clean up and be right up."

Oddly we have learned how to eat dinner with the sounds of mommy retching in the background. It is odd because these things would cause great concern in normal folks in normal times. Right now we are neither and we may never be normal again. You see her disease is incurable. That is right, INCURABLE which is incapable of being healed and made well again. We can not go back to a before it was ever around condition. It will simply never be that way. So we look for signs that is getting better and we hope that it will be better enough that we can live together for a long and healthy time.

I had a dream the other night that I was back on the high desert plain and I was looking out over the sage and cactus. I was searching for a milestone or even a road to lead me out of there. There was nothing I could see.