Self Medication

9/3 I have been self medicating. I admit it. "Hi my name is X and I self medicate." It numbs the pain and fear and anxiety. I am anxious all the time. I am scared to death. I am also very depressed and no amount of sunlight will cure it or defer it. I think that by controlling the environment that I can make life easier and better for her so she will get rest and be able to fight this devil. In some respects that is true but it takes its toll. So, I self medicate.

My medication is two fold. I run. I run from things. I run for things. I run to save my life and sanity. I run 20-25 miles/week, not much by many standards but I am a 50 year old under duress. It goes like this: things pile up and I can't take it so I plan to get my gear and run but something comes up and I can't. So I put it off for a bit then my morning run becomes an afternoon or early evening run. I take off and do a mile on flat terrain. I think about how lucky I am to have great kids and a great wife and a great life. Then I pray. Then I think about all the things that happened and that are coming up and I get keyed up.

Drop the shoulders, lengthen the stride, even out the pace. Breathe and relax.

I turn and face the hill. It goes up for 1/2 mile. I put effort into it and my legs burn; it is catharsis. I power up thinking about how goddamn angry I am and how all this is just so unjust, and fucked up and she doesn't deserve it and I don't' and....

Drop the shoulders slow the pace, you have 30 minutes left.

I hit the first plateau and my mind clears a bit as my body reminds it that I am indeed 50 years old. I breathe and catch my breath better, realize my foot hurts and stride a bit.

Second hill comes and I charge it almost in tears. It hurts and I think that if I can just burn through this I will burn through my anger and feel better. I lean into the hill and work through the intersections as cars pass and people stare at this rhino charging up the hill.

I hit the top and turn right and cruise up a small hill and on to a flat. I get to the intersection and cross along the flat terrain. I am calm and peaceful but my breath is a bit labored. I slow my pace, drop my shoulders and relax my jaw. Sweat is pouring off my forehead and into my eyes.

I start down a hill and it hurts more than going up. I feel like the scarecrow in Wizard of Oz. I run past the college and the coeds. Most don't even notice me and I like the anonymity. It feels good. I notice some kids at the park and I relax, the endorphins kick in at 5 miles. I head up a hill that is just enough to make me lean in to it and I run through the little bit of pain. Turning right I complete my big square and try to run the last 1/2 mile. I finish my 6 miles out of breath and legs shaking. My mind is clear and I know what I need to accomplish and how to get it done.

I also have been drinking more than I should. I have a beer every other night or so and I finished a bottle of a decent Australian dry white from Marlborough in two days. It deadens the impulse and lifts my mood. It also screws up my sleep making me more tired and irritable the next day.

I realize I do not need liquid depressants and I should get on anti depressants to take the edge off and make things more manageable. I just don't like the idea of sacrificing the highs for the sake of diminishing the lows. I need the highs at this time in my life.

Maybe I will up my distance to 30 miles.............